No parent plans to raise an unkind, much less a cruel, child. In fact, most of us put considerable effort into polishing our children’s manners and teaching them to respect other people. Still, recent research by the Pew Internet and American Life Project suggests much of that careful training goes missing once kids get online. One in three teens said they’d been harassed by peers online. The take-away lesson for parents is that they must be more deliberate about teaching kids what respectful online communication looks like. Here are some talking points:

• No slurs of any kind---ever. Make it clear through your rules and your own habits that you won’t tolerate any words that denigrate people because of their race, sex, ethnicity, disability or sexual orientation.

• The pain of others isn’t funny. Steer kids away from television shows, movies and online videos that ask them to override their natural feelings of compassion and laugh at someone else’s misfortune.

• Don’t spread rumors. Teach kids not to repeat—or forward--unkind things they hear about other people. This is rule is especially important if, for some reason, they don’t especially like the other person.

• Appreciate privacy. Messages or photos sent by a friend should always be treated as confidential. Online communication should not be forwarded or posted without permission from the person who sent it.

• No tantrums. Offline, kids can argue but they can’t scream and curse. A dispute online is no different. No ranting. No offensive language. No personal attacks.

• Think twice about insults. Everyone seems to use them as a way of being clever but why is it amusing to undermine another person’s self-esteem? Online, especially, it’s time to revive the old-fashioned rule: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

• Don’t press send. If your child is upset with someone online, suggest writing out all the hostile feelings. Then press delete instead of send. That way, he or she releases the emotion without hurting anyone else.

• Do unto others. Help your child visualize the person on the other end of online communication by asking him or her to imagine saying the same thing face to face. What feelings would the other person have? What expressions would be on his or her face? Now, turn the conversation around. What if another person said to you what you were thinking about writing in an IM or posting on a MySpace page? How would you feel? What would you want to do?

The Golden Rule has survived for so long because it helps people recognize cruelty and practice kindness, two capabilities every bit as necessary online as in the three-dimensional world.


@​ Copyright, 2007, Carolyn Jabs. All rights reserved.